Most people think that being charming is about being attractive looking. Truth is, it’s not so much on having good looking genes, but more on how you make others feel and how well they can connect with you. Being charming is an art and a skill that can be learned, and one that involves both using verbal and non-verbal cues effectively.
Here are 7 ‘magical’ ways you can use to instantly boost your charm factor.
1) Remembering Names
There’s something impressive about being able to recall someone’s name, especially if you have only met that person once. When you met someone for the second time and able to call out their name, it makes that person feel special and he or she will naturally have a good impression of you.
In fact, just doing this will put you in the minority league and make you stand out because most people can’t remember names that well.
I agree. Not everyone has the natural ability to remember names of people they met for the first time. If you are like me who have trouble remembering names, it might be worth it to devise some kind mechanism that can help you recall names. A great method to remembering names fast is to associate a distinctive element with a person, such as like Blue Abigail (if her blue top catches your eye) or Machoman Mark (if that guy is buffed up).
It might be impossible to recall the names of every person you met, but just being able to do so 50% of the time will set you apart from the rest.
Remembering names can be a skill that needs times to acquire, and practice makes perfect. Each time you meet new people, do make it a point to remember their names and see where this leads you.
2) Be Present
Looking into someone’s eyes while having a conversation is not just being polite, it’s also about being present and engaging. It shows that you are giving the person your undivided time and respect as a human being worth talking to.
Imagine how you will feel if someone you are talking to is looking away, appear uninterested or distracted most of the time. You’ll feel that you are wasting time talking to the person.
Another common taboo that most people make is checking on their cell phone when someone is talking to them. If you do that, you are sending a signal to the person you are with that they are unimportant and that you don’t respect their time. Leave the phone in your bag and avoid the urge to check.
If its text messages, chances are they are unimportant and do not need immediate attention. If it is really urgent, mentioning something like ‘I’m sorry, please excuse me for replying a message, my boss needs some details urgently’ will work just fine.
Urgent interruptions usually come as phone calls. In this case, simply say ‘excuse me’ to leave the table for picking up the call, and then explain briefly to your counterparts why you excused yourself when you return.
Be present and enjoy the moment.
3) Be Friendly
The quickest way to be friendly is to greet people enthusiastically whenever possible and smile at them. Be generous with your smiles and greets, not just to family and friends, but also to acquaintances, service staff, your subordinates, co-workers and etc.
Smile with your eyes too, because if you only just smile with your mouth, it can look stiff and fake. The best smiles are those that come from the heart. Try to imagine the most wonderful moments of your life (such as when you fall in love, your wedding day, birth of your child etc), chances are you will start smiling beautifully.
Maintaining your smiles and being friendly might not be easy for some people, but it can be a conscious action. If you do it long enough, it becomes your second nature.
Just remember, a nice hello and a warm smile can brighten someone’s day. You never know who you can make difference to.
4) Compliment others
A compliment is perhaps the best way to establish a rapport and common ground with someone. It is not to be mixed up with flattery, whereby the motive behind is very different.
To compliment is to see something good in a person and give him or her a genuinely positive feedback. On the other hand, flattery is to boost someone’s ego just to get into his or her good books or to gain favor.
For example, you think a dress looks good on someone and you compliment her nice look and outfit. A flattery will sound very much like an ‘enlarged’ version, where you praise her on looking stunning and always having such good dress sense (unless this is true), with hopes of getting more brownie points.
Seek to compliment, not flatter.
People can tell whether a comment is sincere, or just a flattery. Compliments are sincere and it needs to comes from the heart. The key is to find something positive, charming or admirable about the person and compliment on it. Be generous with them and always look for sincere ways to honor and lift people up.
Stay true to yourself. If you don’t like somebody or if there’s nothing positive to say about someone, then don’t say anything.
5) Be Tactful (in both speech and tone)
Building on the previous point is learning how to be tactful. If you are being asked to comment on something you don’t find positive, such as bad haircut on someone, avoid blabbering out your negative comments directly.
Strive to be tactful. Instead of commenting on the haircut, find positive things to say about the person’s character or quality that is related to the hairstyle. Something like ‘Its an edgy haircut and I admire your adventurous spirit’, or ‘it’s good to have a change, many people have the same hairstyles for years and it can get really boring’.
If its a close friend or family member, you can afford to be a little more open about your thoughts. Avoid saying it in an overtly negative way if possible. Something like ‘this hairstyle looks bad on you’ or ‘your hair looks ugly’ will be too blunt. No matter what, the first human response to these statements is feeling the ‘hurt’, it’s just instinctual.
Saying things like ‘I prefer your old hairstyle’, or ‘This hairstyle is not quite suitable, I think you look better with longer hair’ will be more suitable.
Strive to make use of every conversation to hone your skill to be a tactful lady, whether at work, outside or at home.
Pay attention to the tonality of your voice too. We should always be maintaining a pleasant and polite tone.
Avoid using sarcastic and insincere tones, or raising our voices in a loud and rude manner especially in public. Speaking in such ways might get people’s attention, but certainly not their attraction.
A good way to find your pleasant tone is to record your voice as you speak and play back to hear if it sounds pleasant. You can get ask people whom you are close to to get their honest feedback.
6) Be Kind, Helpful & Considerate
See something that needs doing or someone that needs help? Step forward and offer to do it!
As what John C Maxwell said, ‘people don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care’. There is so much kindness and charm in taking the initiative to help others and showing that we care. Be sensitive to other people’s needs and offer your help whenever possible. When you show care and concern for others, it makes them drawn to you.
Kindness is an attitude that can be cultivated, all it takes is your willingness. Everyone has a natural instinct to help, but not necessary the willingness to do so.
Just imagine, you see an old lady struggling to pull her grocery basket while crossing the road, your natural instinct will be to go forth and help her with the grocery basket. But you might not be willing because you are in a rush, think it’s troublesome or attention seeking. If you want to be helpful, you’ve got to be mindful of your surroundings and be willing to help on purpose.
As with all things, it will become part of you after doing it often enough. In fact, helping others can in turn help us to become more confident and capable of doing more to make a positive difference in other people’s lives, so this can serve as a great motivator for us to improve our kindness meter.
Being considerate is a subset of kindness. Things like being late for events, leaving a mess behind and dominating a conversation are some examples of inconsideration. Being considerate means putting or anticipating others’ needs before our own. It’s about not inconveniencing people at their expense.
7) A Sense of Humor
Having a sense of humor is not just about making people laugh. It’s about putting people at ease with some light-hearted humor. This is especially useful when there is an intense, awkward or embarrassing situation/conversation going on. A dose of humor and laughter often help to diffuse such situations instantly.
There’s always a brighter and funny side to every situation. Just keep in mind to make a joke out of the situation and never at the person.
All these needs to be done in a tasteful manner. Laughing at the expense of someone is mean and never an act of classiness.
Good humor is often a people magnet because it makes a person look more friendly and approachable. There’s also something about laughing at ourselves (in a good way) when we are caught in an embarrassing moment.
For example, how will you react when someone pointed out that you have spinach stuck in your teeth?
The initial response for everyone is to feel embarrassed. For those who don’t know how to handle such situations with finesse, they might squeeze out an awkward smile, feel offended, remain quiet thorough due to embarrassment, or might even think of escaping from the situation!
Sometimes the best way is to make light of the situation by poking fun of ourselves and saying things like ‘I guess the spinach was so good that I had too much of it! Thanks for letting me know now and saving me from further embarrassment.’
This allows you to excuse yourself to the bathroom for removing the spinach, and still able to continue the conversation elegantly when you return to the table.
Truth is, we are all human and will get into an embarrassing moments at some point, or relate to an embarrassing situation that took place. Making fun of our awkward situation shows that we acknowledge our embarrassment and that we are only human. This is why people find it charming because not only they can relate to it, they can also see the confidence and humility in you.
In conclusion
Being a charming person is all about having the ability to relate and connect with others. It is a fact that our upbringing and environment plays a big part in influencing the kind of person we become. However, most people are not born with these qualities. These are skills that can acquired and refined through intention, practice and time.
Being charming is hard and much work needs to done on ourselves. The best way to is to treat it like a craft and always seeking for ways to hone it.
Make use of every interaction and situation to put these skills into practice whenever possible. And in the process, not only will you find your charm factor increases over time, you are also on the way to becoming a better person.
Isn’t that what most of us want?