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How to be a Truly Confident Woman

by artofmakeover January 17, 2021

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What does it takes to be a confident woman? I mean the real kind of unshakeable confidence.

While having a good posture, a strong voice projection, good eye contact or a firm handshake are good ways to project confidence, these are only on surface level. It is often through our conversation with others will our real confidence then start to project onto others.

For example, have you ever had a conversation with someone that is all about their achievement, full of whining, complains or gossips that just leave you exhausted and not feeling that great?

I bet you had, many even a tad too many. Perhaps you just might be this person sometimes and you are not even aware. A confident person is someone who brings ‘life’ and not ‘death’ to others. It is less about themselves, and more about connecting and relating to others.

A confident person shouldn’t be proud. If it’s all about themselves, that is mostly coming from their pride and ego, a facade that they wear to display what they want to show to the world, and not their genuine self.

Let’s look at how we can recognise a real confident woman and what are some of the key traits and attitudes they usually have.

Inner traits and attitudes of a confident woman

1) They don’t compare themselves with others.

A true confident woman does not play the comparison game with other woman, knowing that this opens the doorway to pride, jealousy, envy and insecurity that are unnecessary. It might even lead us down a destructive path and never ending vicious cycle of feeling lousy, striving for perfectionism and competing with others just to get attention and feeling better about ourselves.

On the contrary, comparing yourself with others is a sign of deep-rooted insecurity and low self-esteem. It could stem from your childhood that got carried forward into your adulthood gradually without you even realising it.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

God made everyone of us unique, we all have a combination of unique gifts, talents and abilities that nobody else has.

Maybe you are an excellent cook with exceptional culinary skills, and the person you are comparing with is really good at decorating her home and making it welcoming, but not quite good with making delicious food. Instead of comparing ourselves with others, it is better to focus and work on what we do have and compliment or encourage those who are working on their talent.

This will even help make you a good friend. Perhaps there might be a day where you can call on your talented friend for help to set the ambience at your home for a gathering where you are gonna whip up a delicious feast for your guests.

See how it is meant to be a complement, not a competition?

In short, don’t fall into the trap of unhealthy comparison with others. Start reflecting inward and see what God has already gifted and placed inside of you. These are uniquely yours and meant to be cultivated. When you start developing and using the abilities and gifts that you already have, people will respond positively to it naturally. You will feel good on the inside, and soon confidence and peace will start to follow you.

God has a defined plan and purpose for everyone of us to be unique. We are all called to live an original life and not die a copy cat.

2) They are genuine and don’t put up a perfect front

True genuineness is rare quality, especially in this day and age where social media has infiltrated our lives. It can be hard to discern if what we see and read about others online is what they are like in reality.

There is a real issue happening in our society today, where people are going for ‘perfectionism’. They only want to show the best and the most curated side of themselves while hiding away their weaknesses and vulnerability behind their polished exterior.

This is especially true for many popular celebrities, instagrammers and Youtube influencers who feel that they have to constantly publish picture perfect posts and videos in order to maintain their social image and build up their following. However, in reality they are struggling big time with insecurities, discontentment and even depression, because they are equating self acceptance with likes, comments and shares. If they don’t get the attention, they feel unloved. Just read this article and you will see that this is trap that many have fallen prey to.

While someone like that may look good on the outside and might give people the impression that she is a confident person. This kind of confidence is actually pride and insecurity in disguise – a counterfeit in other words.

True confidence comes from knowing and owning your self-worth despite what others say. It is not dictated by social media or strangers who know nothing about us and our background.

Another downside with people walking around with a ‘perfect’ facade is that will have problem building genuine and lasting friendships, because they can only connect with others on a superficial and surface level. They probably have very few or even no true friends.

True authentic connection with others is being relatable to others. It is our ability to empathise with others by engaging in deeper conversations in an open or even vulnerable state by talking about our mistakes, weaknesses and struggles. It is not with the intention to whine and complain, but to share our journey with others on how are coping, learning and overcoming.

It can even be the other way round where we might hear their stories on how they had overcome, and we get encouraged instead. Remember, nobody is perfect. It will be very unrealistic if you have no weaknesses to show!

When you are open to others, others will open up to you too. This can only happen from a place of true confidence and security where you feel totally at ease in having such conversations.

The truth is true confidence is an inner quality. It is not based on the external or our circumstances, no matter how bad things may look on the surface. It is an sustained inner peace, something that only God our maker can provide. It is not self-focused but God-focused. It is about internalising what God thinks and says about us.

Consider what God will do for you:

Since he did not spare even his own Son for us but gave him up for us all, won’t he also surely give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? Will God? No! He is the one who has forgiven us and given us right standing with himself.
Romans 8:32-33 (TLB)

We are so precious to God that He has to sacrifice His son on the cross, so that we may know Him and receive all that He has prepared for us to live a a fulfilling and abundant life in our lifetime, even before we are born.

Do not blindly copy and follow others, as it will lead to path of un-fulfilment, worry and anxiety in the long run. These are minefields that will blow up our confidence. We are all an original masterpiece created by Him. He wants us to live the original way that He created us for, not clones and copycats of others. Seek Him out on this.

Hopefully by now, you are able to see true confidence in a new light. Anyone can boost or fake confidence, but the real test lies in whether they are sustainable. When we place our confidence in the external where things can be fleeting and unpredictable, we are placing our self-worth and value to things that might be here today but gone tomorrow (maybe FB and IG will fade away someday, so what’s next?).

Being confident involves knowing who you are and being assured of your uniqueness. This is possible by having a relationship with Jesus who will reveal all things that God has for you. If you don’t know Jesus, I highly recommend that you consider inviting Him into your life to help you. If you are ready, head over to this page.

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Truth and Faith

You are the Apple of His eyes

by artofmakeover December 9, 2020

“Apple of my eye.”

I heard God gently whispered this in my heart as He gave me an image of an apple. Being an apple of someone’s eyes means we are being dearly cherished by that person, just like a loving father doting on his little princess, or a loving husband who esteems his wife above every other women.

I felt that God is saying that He sees all His daughters as the apples of his eyes. And you, ladies, are His daughters. He is the loving heavenly father who dotes on you with a love that supersedes human love, where no man can give.

That is how much God loves you. That is how much God treasures and esteems you. You are valuable in His eyes, and He has so much more to give you.

The question is, do you believe it?

You see, self-worth is the root of a healthy self-image. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Each of us has a unique thumbprint and DNA that no other person on earth can match exactly; not even a pair of identical twins. God created us in a unique and intricate manner, just like how a master potter creates his masterpiece. We are God’s masterpiece; priceless in His sight.

If we are feeling lost on who we are and what is our life about, then maybe it’s time to seek our creator for an answer. When we humble ourselves and draw near to Him, He will reveal all things to us. The only thing to do is to seek and ask.

Our self-worth doesn’t come from our past, or how other sees us. It isn’t derived from what the world tells us.

It comes from believing we are the precious daughter of God and He is our heavenly Father. We might feel worthless, but the truth is God still sees us as the apple of His eyes. His words will never change.

Believing in God and having faith in what He says about us is an intentional act, which we need to take action by reading His words and proclaiming it.

Just like what the bible says in Hebrews 11:1 – “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”, we need to pray and confess for the changes that we want to see happen in our lives.

Here are 10 bible verses to meditate on about our identity in Christ. One great way to internalise this is to confess them out loud daily, and then just receive in faith and thank God in advance for carrying out these promises in us. We will see them come through eventually if we don’t give up.

Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Psalm 139:14

“I (or replace it with your name) praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Matthew 10:29-31

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Song of Songs 4:7

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Philippians 1:6

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

And finally, here is the scripture that talks about God seeing us as the apple of His eye. I have replace “him” with <your name>, so that this scripture can become more personal to you. When you confess it out loud, trust and believe that this IS how much God loves and cares for you.

Be blessed my friends!

Deuteronomy 32:10-14

10 In a desert land he found <your name>, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded <your name> and cared for <your name>; he guarded <your name> as the apple of his eye, 11 like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them aloft. 12 The Lord alone led <your name>; no foreign god was with <your name>. 13 He made <your name> ride on the heights of the land and fed <your name> with the fruit of the fields. He nourished <your name> with honey from the rock, and with oil from the flinty crag, 14 with curds and milk from herd and flock and with fattened lambs and goats, with choice rams of Bashan and the finest kernels of wheat. <your name> drank the foaming blood of the grape.

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Healthy Thoughts

7 Rules Of Becoming a Classy Woman

by artofmakeover February 16, 2020

7 Keys To Becoming a Poise Woman

If you are to imagine what a classy woman is like, how will you describe her?

For me, I see a well-groomed lady with perfectly done up hair, makeup and nails, immaculately dressed in classic Chanel suit, a fitted pencil skirt and matching accessories. For some, they might imagine a woman from the high society all decked out in fine designer wear, looking gorgeous, sleek and polished. The first thing that comes to mind is usually how poised and elegant they look.

That leaves me to ponder: Is being classy all about appearance and a display of social status?

Well, apparently there’s way more to this than just looks. Here’s an interesting fact. While reading up on this topic, I found that inner qualities account for at least 50% of the makings of a classy woman, with the other 50% spread across her looks, dressing and social etiquette.

In the olden days, it might be a norm to associate aristocratic women with class. This isn’t true anymore in our present time, especially in an information-rich and meritocratic society that we live in right now. It’s no longer about the social status; anyone can become a woman of class these days.

What I’m going to share are the new rules of how you can become a true woman of class. Even if a lady belongs to the upper echelons, she will be disqualified if she don’t observe the following 7 rules:

Rule #1 – Good Mannerism

A classy woman is always well-mannered. She greets people in a friendly manner, she’s generous with her smiles and is always ready to say ‘sorry’, ‘please’, ‘thank-you’ and ‘welcome’ at the appropriate time. Being loud and foul mouth are top taboos. The moment where a woman utter expletives or talk like a public nuisance is where she is declaring to the whole world that she’s a disaster. The key here is to avoid being rude and inconsiderate to others.

Rule #2 – Think Before Speaking

A classy woman is certainly not one who babbles non-stop and let loose her tongue without any self-restrain. Gossiping and bitching about others are something that she don’t participate, even though such discussion can be going on. I know we women like to whine and complain at times, but there is a difference between sharing our problems and frustrations with others vs. maliciously talking about people behind their backs. While the former can be a bonding activity between women, the latter is often an act of putting others down to indirectly make ourselves feel better.

This applies to arguments too. While a classy woman has a right to have her own opinions and is free to express them, she also knows when to walk away from one if the argument turns heated. She does not need to win an argument just to prove her point. It doesn’t mean she accepts defeat, she is simply a gracious lady by choosing to end the discussion instead of letting anger turn her into an ugly monster like her counterpart.

Remember, a classy woman is mindful of what she speaks and never loses her cool in public.

Rule #3- Good Social Etiquette

There’s a reason why deportment classes are always in demand, and that’s because women want to learn how to carry themselves well in public by the way they walk, in their posture etc. There are many aspects to what constitute good social etiquette, but the basics always include sitting upright and not slouching, not propping your leg up on the other like a man, talking when there’s still food in your mouth, eating with mouth opened, yawning with mouth wide opened and uncovered.

When talking to people, always look straight into the person’s eyes. Shifty eyes are a sign of disrespect. A woman of class is also mindful of putting her mobile phone aside and not fiddling with it while in the middle of a conversation. She knows that attending to her phone while talking to someone shows that she is not respecting the other person’s time.

Good hygiene is also part of her lifestyle. This means no wiping of nose with her sleeves, no body odors, no burping out loud in public, or worst still, spitting and nose-digging in public (eeww!). If you have do any of these, be sure to do it in private and save yourself the damage.

Rule #4 – Modesty Is a Good Virtue

Being modest is about being to down-to-earth and humble. This means we will not expect diva-like antics, boastfulness and haughtiness coming from a classy lady. She accepts compliments with sincere gratitude, treats everyone with respect and sees no need to display power over anyone.

This also applies to her dressing. She dresses not to impress, but to express. She knows her body well enough to dress in a way that enhances her beauty. Something that will hide her flaws, fits her perfectly yet suits her style.

Flamboyant dressing, over-the-top look, showing of too much skin and cleavage is also almost a no-no. It doesn’t mean she cannot show her nice skin or cleavage at all. If she does, the purpose is always to enhance and not to attract attention, so it must be done appropriately and in good taste. A classy woman is a big fan of subtlety; she is confident enough to know that she doesn’t need to dress loudly or be seen in the latest trends all the time to make a statement.

Rule #5 – Authenticity

A classy woman is free to be herself. She laughs heartily when she’s joyful, cry when she’s sad, empathize with others who are going through pain and dances when she feels like it. She’s non-pretentious, knows how to enjoy herself and embraces life with a positive outlook. A lady with no display of emotions will come across as rigid and cold, which is not what a classy woman is about.

Rule #6 – Putting Best Face Forward

Stepping out of the house with a bare-face is a rarity for a classy woman. Unless she has perfect, flawless and even-toned skin, otherwise there will always be some makeup done to cover up their flaws. I am not saying that she has to spend hours putting on full makeup all the time. It’s usually about hiding the dark circles, toning down the puffy eyes, putting some blusher and a dab of lipstick before stepping out of the house. It can even be a simple barely-there light makeup for a casual walk in the park. The key is to look bright and healthy, not pale, tired and sickly.

Rule #7 – Confidence

This has been mentioned above, but it’s needs to be emphasized as a rule because it is a very important thing. It is what sets a classy woman apart from a showy woman.

Confidence is the foundational block, without this it is almost impossible to live as a true classy woman. Confidence means not having to play miss-nice all the time just to get others’ approval, not trying to manipulate or impress people, and certainly not putting others down and elevating oneself. It means being sure of your value and worth as a great woman no matter what people say.

A classy woman knows how to embrace and bring out her femininity. She has her own thoughts and opinions and is not afraid to speak up at the right time, but also knows when is the appropriate time to step back and tone down.

Final thoughts

As I’m writing this post, I started to remember my days of working for a high-end jewelry store. There were a number of socialites among our clientele and I can relate how true they were as a woman of class. Here are some examples:

1) Socialite A loves to attend all the high society balls and she has to wear something different every time and will not be caught dead in wearing the same thing twice.

2) Then there’s socialite B who is always in rivalry with another socialite and always want to outshine her by buying bigger and better things than her.

3) Socialite C is one who is very well-groomed and turns heads in public, but she rarely smiles and treats service staff like they are non-existent.

4) Socialite D is one that I will always remember because of her genuineness. She’s loves chatting with the service staff and finding out more about them, and even shows her concern for some. Not only does she dress well, she is friendly and warm.

5) Socialite E is well-known locally and is from a mega-rich family. She can look stunning in formal events or minimally stylish on casual days. Despite her fame and status, she is surprisingly friendly to service staff and has no diva-style requests. In fact, she is so easy to serve and she puts everyone at ease.

By now, I’m sure you can tell who are ones with real class and who are the ones that don’t. Classiness cannot be bought by money, it has to be cultivated. Sadly to say, some of these socialites haven’t quite got the point yet.

Being a true classy woman is not an easy thing. I’m sure there are more rules to what defines a classy woman. The point is we can always learn how to improve our physical aspects easily, things like style, dressing and social etiquette. Those that involve characteristic changes are the hardest, because we need time and deliberate effort to change and to adopt new habits or thinking.

If you are feeling dishearten, fret not, because I am also a work-in-progress and far from following some of the rules above. Remember, anything that requires cultivation takes time. I believe if we really aspire to be a classy woman, we can truly become one by being more mindful of these rules and making an effort to improve ourselves every day, even if its a small one. Do it often enough and it becomes our second nature. Don’t stop practicing and soon you’ll be on your way to become a true classy lady before you even realized!

So what are your thoughts on the definitions of a classy woman? Do you think it is achievable? Feel free to share your comment below.

(Header Image Credit: Irish News)

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Healthy Thoughts

6 Hacks To Make Others Like You More

by artofmakeover February 25, 2016

How to make others like you more

Do you feel awkward talking to new people?

Ever wonder why some people can easily talk, joke and laugh with new people they just met?

How do you increase your charisma so that people will like you more?

If you have ever asked yourself these sort of questions before, fret not, because this is exactly the post for you.

By observing these 6 hacks, getting people to like you will be become a breeze.

#1 Send Positive Body Language

Making a good impression on others means people have to feel positively about you.

Imagine going on a first date with someone you fancy. You are aware of being evaluated.

You subconsciously try to impress your date with the things you say, by leaning forward, smiling and laughing more with the hope of turning the relationship into something more.

Its the same when meeting new people, the only difference is that you have to be consciously aware of your body language, how you are presenting yourself and reacting to the other party.

Here are some of the ‘universal’ dos and don’ts of making a good impression with your body language.

‘Do’s

‘Don’t Do’s

Make Eye Contact

Shifty Eyes

Firm Handshake

Limp/Weak Grip

Nod your head to show interest in the conversation

Stiff or no expression

Lean Forward

Relaxing back/Slouching

Crossed arms

Folded arms

Smile

Stiff or no expression

Talk at the same speed as your conversation partner

Talking too fast or too slow

#2 Ensure Reciprocity In a Conversation

However, trying too hard to impress someone might backfire if it comes across as being a showoff or a fake.

Using the dating analogy, pretend that you are guy going on a date with a girl.

You and your date starts talking about diving. Its a topic you know a lot because diving is your hobby.

You talk enthusiastically about diving because you are excited to share your knowledge and the experience of the dive trips you’ve been to.

Your date is a newbie and is currently learning to dive. She has limited experience in this area and has lesser things to contribute to the topic.

She smiles and nods her head attentively as she listens to you.

You feel good because you think she’s interested by the things you say and so you continue.

Or is it really?

Truth is, you are probably talking 80% of the time and are not giving much chance for the girl to talk.

There’s no reciprocity in the conversation. The girl probably feels that its all one-sided.

She might even think that you are a show-off and an inconsiderate person who thinks only himself.

Yet, you assumed she’s captivated.

This is a common mistake that most people make, and that is, talking too much about themselves.

It is not enough to make people feel positively about you, you have to make people feel good about themselves too.

This is the law of reciprocity.

So how exactly do you do that?

By asking more open questions and finding out something about them that is praiseworthy. Be curious about the person and get them to share their thoughts, feelings and emotions.

In the example above, the guy can draw out more from the girl by asking what makes her pick up diving.

Perhaps she is sick of having to snorkel all the time when she goes to a beach resort and wants to try something different. In this case, her adventurous spirit is commendable, so the guy can praise her for being an adventurous person.

If she can’t really swim, yet still go ahead with learning diving, then she’s probably a brave person and this is a trait that is praise worthy.

You see where I’m coming from?

When you give someone a chance to talk and make them feel good about themselves at the same time, chances are, you will leave a deep and lasting impression on that person.

#3 Maintain a 50-50 Conversation

Continuing from the point above, the extreme end of making people feel good about themselves is not to keep asking them questions and make them talk all the time while you remain pretty much silent.

Asking someone too many questions will come across as an interrogation, even though you might be genuinely interested in that person.

Not to mention that it is very tiring for the other party to keep talking without a break.

Besides, how do you expect to make people remember you when they seems to be talking to themselves and don’t even know a thing about you?

Let alone leaving a good impression.

A good conversation is all about giving and taking. You take in information about the other person by asking questions and then give out information by sharing things about yourself.

Make sure that there’s a fair balance between the taking and sharing. 50-50 is a good rule of thumb to abide.

#4 Banish All Negative Talk

When you meet someone for the first time, make sure to avoid any negative language or conversation, such as complaining about the weather or traffic, or talking about the stress that you are facing in your job or in your life.

Not that you can’t talk about these things, but there is an appropriate time and place for such discussions (usually with close friends or colleagues), and its definitely not with someone whom you just met!

If you start your conversation by framing it in a negative tone, you can spread negative energy unknowingly to the other person, which can sometimes spread faster than positive energy!

Do you use many negative vocabulary, such as boring, bland, disgusting, and embarrassing in your sentences?

Not that you can’t use these words. It depends on the context of your conversation and how you use them.

Of course, if you are telling a joke or a funny incident that somehow involves some negative aspects, then it’s appropriate to use these words to best describe the scenario.

In this case, the context is positive because you are entertaining someone and not pouring out your woes on the other party.

You may use this list as a reference on what are the negative vocabulary to avoid.

Know that the first meeting with someone new is always short and perhaps special.

Hence, we ought to be more generous socially by putting others’ needs before ours during that moment.

This puts you in a great light with others of being selfless and generous.

If you fail to do that, people might assume that you are an emo and draining person to be around, and that’s definitely an instant people repellant!

Interestingly, this is also known the mood quotient (MQ), and it has a great subconscious impact on people who don’t know you well enough yet.

So ask yourself, do you have high or low MQ?

In other words, are you displaying a positive or a negative mood in the first meeting?

#5 Use The ACEE Rule

By now, you might be wondering what kind of things are good to talk for a first meeting that will leave a positive impression on someone else.

A good rule of thumb is to follow the ACEE rule as below:

A – Appreciation

Find out something good or unique about the person whom you are having a conversation with, such as qualities that you can genuinely appreciate or praise him or her for. It can be on their style, unique hobbies or their accomplishment.

This is also briefly mentioned in point #2 about the diving example.

You can also listen to what the person is sharing and then ask them further questions on the same topic, like how do they feel about it, what do they do, or why do they do something and etc.

Open-ended questions like these (what/why/how) will encourage the person to talk more and will create the opportunities for them to reveal their positive side .

C – Connection

Connection is finding a common ground with the other party, such as sharing similar hobbies, experience, viewpoints or even knowing mutual friends.

Phrases like ‘I know how you feel’, ‘I totally agree with your point’ or ‘I’ve been to Japan too’ are usually used in the conversation.

When you share similarities, you are sending a ‘I’m like you’ signal to the other person. It makes them feel understood and that you are on their side.

E – Elevation

People are drawn light-hearted, entertaining, humorous and uplifting conversations that will create a positive experience.

This is related to point #4, where you banish all negative talk, which is the opposite end of elevation.

There are many ways you can elevate someone’s mood, such as smiling, being encouraging, speaking positively, injecting humor, sharing heart-warming stories etc.

E – Enlightenment

Sharing your enlightenment can make you come across as a more intellectual, stimulating and appealing person to hang around with.

People are naturally curious and like to learn new things.

You can share things like current affairs, interesting culture that you came across from your travels, facts, trival, statistics, ideas or even wisdom that you have gleaned from past experience.

When using ACEE, be sure to use them proportionately and appropriately according to the context of your conversation.

If you are on date, it’s best that you can use these four styles of conversation. However, if its a business networking session, perhaps connection and enlightenment might be more appropriate.

Be careful not to overdo any of these styles, or you come across as being fake.

Moderation is the key.

#6 Use their Name

Using someone’s name in a conversation can be a effective connection trigger.

It acknowledges the person’s unique identity and boosts his or her ego in a subtle way. If you are meeting someone for the first time, this can be even more powerful.

You see, people don’t normally remember names of new people they just met.

If you can get the person’s name during introduction and then use it at appropriate times during your initial conversation, chances are, you will leave a deep impression on that person.

This is also a common sales technique that skillful sales professionals use when trying to close a sale, which is why they usually try to get your name in the beginning and will always close the conversation with your name too.

The key is to weave their names into the conversation as naturally as possible.

For example, “John, I think you should try windsurfing, you will good at it since you are already good at surfing.” Or “Mary, can you imagine if your birthday falls on new year’s eve? People around the world will be celebrating with you!”

Bear in mind not to overdo it or you will come across as being manipulative.

Also, be sure observe the person’s expression and body language when you use their name.

While most people will react positively, some people might feel uncomfortable, tense or irritated for unknown reasons. You don’t want keep pushing that red button! If so, drop the name-calling, at least for the rest of the conversation.

Why Bother Impressing Others? I Am Who I Am…

You might ask, why are these important?

Sure, you might not want to impress everyone whom you met and you might even prefer to be different and not following ‘rules’ like everyone else.

No doubt it is a personal choice, learning how to leave a positive impression on others is really a life skill that can help you harness the power of connecting with people easily.

Once you get the hang of it, it becomes easier and almost automatic.

Making a good impression on others is not the same as maintaining a good relationship with someone. While the latter requires the mutual needs of both parties to be met, the former is usually about putting others’ needs first before our own.

Truth is, people often form an opinion about you based on limited or superficial information like your body language and conversation style.

Perhaps you are a shy person and don’t talk much to new people, but you may come across as a quiet, aloof or even anti-social person to the other party.

But in reality, you are actually a warm person who likes to connect with people.

How do you reconcile this?

By ensuring that the first impression you gave others matches with who you actually are, as accurately as possible.

Creating the right first impression will help you synchronise your inner self with your outer self, so that you appear more real and genuine to others.

With these, you are now left with a choice. You can either choose to make positive changes or remain unchanged.

Well, I sincerely hope you will choose the latter!

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Healthy Thoughts

20 Ways To Develop An Elegant Mind

by artofmakeover February 3, 2016

How to be more elegant

Do you wish to become more elegant?

As we entered into the new year, why not set a resolution to improve ourselves on our path to elegance, simply by taking some steps towards it by nourishing the root of elegance?

And that root, my friends, is our mind.

In order for us to reflect true elegance on the outside, we first need to set things right on the inside, by training our heart and mind to think more elegantly.A 19th century author named James Allen once quoted this famous sentence “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he,” which is actually a bible verse in the Book of Proverbs.You see, our hearts and minds are inter-linked. Sow a thought, reap a feeling. Sow a feeling, reap an action. And finally, sow an action, reap a habit.Here’s 20 ways that can help you kick-start your own personal mind transformation.

1) Read a personal development book every month

Reading personal development books will expand your mind. It gives you new wisdom and insights. It empowers you to adopt new ways of thinking.

Suggested reading topics are how to boost self-confidence, improving speech and communication, improve style and fashion and how to handle conflicts.

If you find it a chore to carry a book around or keep them at home, get a Kindle.

If you are time-starved, try cutting down time spent on TV, videos and face-booking.

Nourishing your mind is one of the best investment you can spend on yourself.

2) Declutter your life

Don’t overload too many activities in your life that turn you into a frazzled woman who is constantly stressed out and perpetually busy.

Everyone has 24hours a day. Learn to prioritise, set goals and work with a calendar for your to-dos.

Avoid being a workaholic at the expense of the time that should be rightfully be given for your loved ones.

3) Pick up a new hobby

Elegant people are one of the most passionate beings on earth. They live life with purpose and passion, and they love to learn and do the things that excite them.

If you think life is getting dull and you are just getting by everyday, maybe its a sign that you need to try new things or find out what makes you come alive.

Hobbies will make you a more interesting person, as you are likely to display passion and excitement when sharing your experience and knowledge about your hobbies with others.

So start getting in touch with the creative side of you!

4) Confidence

People who are not confident often do not believe in themselves and in what they can do or offer.

Everyone has some sort of strengths. The key to counter this is to identify the unique gifts, strengths and talents that you possess.

Ask yourself what are the things you love to do and what can you possibly share with others or even teach them? These are the valuable traits that people can benefit from!

Sometimes, a lack of confidence is a matter of lacking in experience, even though we do have the ability to do it. Doing more of the thing that we fear or lack confidence in will help us become good and gain confidence in that area eventually.

For example, if you are not confident in public speaking. The best solution is really to do more speaking until you get good at it (e.g. join a toastmasters club).

5) Travel more whenever you can

Travelling is an eye opener to new places, new people and new culture.

Apart from soaking up the beautiful sights and sceneries, it enables you to see how people in other parts of the world live, which helps you to become a more interesting and knowledgeable person.

Through travel, you get to witness the good, the bad and the ugly side of life. You see the diversity in values and creativity of people in other countries.

You might even witness things like poverty or discovering how people can still live a rich life despite not having much.

All these will help you develop gratitude for your own life. It broadens your mind to see things with a different perspective, or even inspire you to make a new change!

6) Surround your life with positive people

Build up existing relationships or enter a new friendship with people who are positive, caring, genuine.

Just as iron sharpens iron, positive people will help you raise the positivity bar in your own life and thinking.

Stay away from toxic friends as much as possible. You can still be friends with them, just not good friends or people who you will want to hang out often.

If the toxic people in your life are your family members, it will be impossible to cut them out.

The best way to approach this is to adjust your attitude and mindset towards them (we will touch more on this later in point #19).

7) Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is the art of being intentionally aware of your thoughts, emotions and feelings in whatever you are doing and whoever you are speaking with in the present moment.

The purpose is to create a time lapse between your thoughts or your experience and your reaction to it.

It trains your mind to stop acting on auto-pilot.

In short, being mindful enables you to remain calm and poise. It helps you avoid the wrong decisions and actions, or saying the wrong things that will have you regret later on.

8) Learn to speak more positively and encouragingly to others.

Elegant living requires elegant words.

This means no profanities, no slangs, no bitching about others, no cursing and swearing, and even no whining and complaining.

These apply to both online and offline.

Often, what we speak is a reflection of our inner world.

Feeding your heart and mind daily with good or inspirational words and images can help you develop the good habit of thinking and speaking positively.

Being mindful can also help greatly in this area.

9) Be authentic

Don’t pretend to say something you don’t really mean, or do something you feel uncomfortable just to fit in or gain approval from the masses.

Often, people can tell from your tone of voice and body language when you are not acting in a way that aligns with your core values.

It is not sustainable and will not help you win the respect from others.

Being inauthentic is usually a sign of low self-confidence and a hidden fear of not being good enough, so these issues need to be addressed.

Remember, everyone is unique and we all have a different combination of talents, strengths and weaknesses.

No one can replace you, so celebrate who are and be the person God has created you to be!

10) Be present

Be present whenever you are meeting others or having a conversation with someone.

Sometimes we can get carried away with our busyness or with our troubles and worries that we stop living in the present.

Playing with phones, not paying attention, drifting away in our thoughts are all signs of not being preoccupied and not in the present.

This is especially true with our own family and close friends.

Remember, our time is limited. People change, things change, life is unpredictable and they may not always be there.

So worry less, stay mindful and cherish every moment!

11) Improve your EQ

According to Wikipedia, EQ is known as ‘the ability to monitor one’s own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.’

Most of the time, your EQ will be tested and develop in the midst of negative emotions, where you have to deal with challenging situations and difficult people.

Think about it.

If things are going smoothly and everyone is nice, how difficult is it for you to be nice and calm?

Easy enough even for a 3 year old kid.

Treat life’s challenges, difficulties and irritations as ways to help you grow. You need these crucial lessons to learn how to handle conflicts, criticism and nasty people with finesse.

12) Develop a caring and compassionate heart

A caring heart requires you to think more of others and less of yourself.

It means offering help to others when you see a need or situation that touches your heart to do so.

Perhaps the best way to start developing the caring side of you is to volunteer at a shelter, soup kitchen or an elderly home.

When you hear the life stories and see the struggles, pain and challenges that the less fortunate are going through, you will learn gratitude and become more compassionate towards others.

13) Stop mindless gossips

Gossips are idle talk or rumours, often about the private affairs of others that might be untrue and have no relations with the gossiper.

Gossips are literally putting people down behind their backs.

An elegant woman do not need to stoop down to such levels just to make herself make look or feel better.

They are like poison to the mind.

You won’t want to feed poison to your own mind, neither will you want to do the same to others.

14) Don’t be a whiner and complainer

People who are whiny and complaining all the time are self-imposed ‘victims’ and this is one of the traits of a toxic person.

They see themselves as helpless in the situations they are in, so they play the ‘blame’ game on others, while refusing to take initiative to change for the better.

Truth is, no one likes to hear whining and complaining all the time. It’s mentally tiring and draining for the people hearing you out, and worst still if they try to offer help and have you put it down later.

This also applies to your online behaviour on social media. For instance, don’t post your complaints or sob stories on Facebook.

Sure, you might get some likes or soothing comments, but that’s really all you get. It’s pathetic, unattractive and screams low self-confidence.

Take ownership of your situations and seek solutions actively, instead of surrendering and letting them control you.

15) Don’t envy others

Avoid comparing yourself with your friends and peers, especially so when we see all the fabulous updates that they posted on Facebook.

It’s meaningless to compare yourself with others because you don’t know what they went through to get there.

They might also be facing other challenges in life that you don’t get to hear about.

Remember, Facebook is highly curated. The majority like to share or post about the good, interesting funny and exciting stuff (except for the whiners and complainers in the point above).

Envy restricts our growth.

Rather than dwelling on what others have and what we don’t, it’s better to focus on our own personal development.

Every has a different path in life. What matters most is that we don’t stop growing, learning and improving ourselves.

16) Get enough sleep

Sleep is important for mental alertness and energy for your daily activities.

If you are constantly tired, you will look spaced out and you will not be an engaging person to talk to or hang around with. Moreover, it makes you age faster.

Ever heard of people saying to you “‘you look tired”?

That’s because tiredness shows up on our face instantly, even if we have makeup on.

It’s not always easy, but try not to compromise your sleep hours with busyness.

17) Focus more on the good in others and less on the bad

People will disappoint or hurt us at some point, it’s part and parcel of life. Sometimes they do it out of selfishness or perhaps they did it unintentionally.

Truth is, all of us are imperfect. When we start expecting someone to do certain things or behave in certain manners, we can get sorely upset because that person didn’t live up to our expectations.

The key to reducing conflicts and disappointment with others, especially with people whom we interact with on a frequent basis (e.g family members, colleagues) is to recognise they are imperfect, and so are we.

We need to be more gracious and forgiving towards others when they didn’t live up to our expectations, because you will want them to be less harsh with you too when they think you didn’t live up to theirs.

Recognise that everyone has a good and bad side.

If you can choose to focus on their good points, instead of harping on what’s wrong with them, you will be a more happy soul and a less bitter pill.

Happy people radiate positive vibes. It makes you a people magnet whom others want to hang around with!

18) Learn to be grateful

Gratitude is being content and grateful with whatever good things that you have right now.

It’s about counting your blessings and be thankful for them. We all have things to be thankful about, be it big or small.

Being grateful helps us stay grounded and humble. It keeps us from becoming discontent, negative, greedy and proud.

Keeping a gratitude journal is a good way of reminding yourself of all the blessings and good things in your life.

19) Live everyday with a purpose and passion

Are you living your life like a clockwork, going along with the flow, simply existing to earn money, buy stuff, get married, have children and waiting for retirement?

If that’s your version of life now, its very likely you will get bored at some point and start asking yourself the ‘is there more to life?’ question.

Everyone yearns to live a rich and meaningful life deep down inside.

And if you are not doing something in line with your passion and interests, chances are, you will not be positive and excited about life.

Why not start doing something with your passion, perhaps start that business, brush up on your craft if that’s your thing. If you don’t know what your passion is, start finding out by trial and error and you will discover it eventually.

I recommend you to check out Live Your Legend blog, where you can download their fantastic free toolkit on how to discover your passion.

20) Ask God for help

Changing mindset is a tough job.

It will be especially hard if you are going through depression, or if you have been brought up in a negative environment that impacted you deeply in a negative way.

After all, human beings are limited. Not everyone is mentally strong. Some things just seem impossible for us to get a breakthrough, no matter how hard we tried. We get worn out along the way and then we give up.

In times like this, it will be far easier to seek God for help with such matters than feeling hopeless about your situation.

Much like how we know that electricity exists but we don’t see it, God moves in a similar manner in the spiritual realm. We don’t always understand how he works, but if you will believe him, the things that we can do with God’s help is far greater than what we can do solely with our own strength.

Simply pray a prayer like “God, I need your help. I want a change in my life. I want to become a better person and think more elegantly. Help me in my transformation”. Then trust and wait on him to move in your situation.

If you do not know God or have a personal relationship with him, you can start by reciting one of the prayers that is outlined here.

There’s always a saying that when you take 1 step towards God, he will take 10,000 steps towards you!

Ending thoughts….

Granted, many of these are not easy to do.

Even I have fallen short of it.

But we can take some kind of action everyday, even if it’s a small act or doing that 1% more a day, we are still progressing.

At least, at the end of 2016, we can be proud to say “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be”! *(*Quote from Joyce Meyer) (Photo credit: Unsplashed)

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